Mike Birbiglia Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, Mad

• I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore!

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Nice, Valentine

• I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Baby, Humor

  Mike Birbiglia (2012). “Sleepwalk with Me: And Other Painfully True Stories”, p.122, Simon and Schuster

• They really cut to the chase in the urologist's examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, Cutting

  Mike Birbiglia (2012). “Sleepwalk with Me: And Other Painfully True Stories”, p.137, Simon and Schuster

• I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, Yankees

• I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Writing, Humor

• I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Holiday, Humor

  Mike Birbiglia (2012). “Sleepwalk with Me: And Other Painfully True Stories”, p.115, Simon and Schuster

• I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  "Comedy Central Presents / Mike Birbiglia: 2". www.imdb.com. 2006.

• I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, Soul

• When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Song, Pain

• I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  Mike Birbiglia (2012). “Sleepwalk with Me: And Other Painfully True Stories”, p.123, Simon and Schuster

• I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, Race

  "Comedy Central Presents / Mike Birbiglia: 2". www.imdb.com. 2006.

• Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, Two

• I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, Men

• I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Hate, Humor

  "Mike Birbiglia: 2". Comedy Central Presents Episode, www.imdb.com. March 03, 2006.

• I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, America

• I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, Pay

• I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Believe, Humor

• I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, Men

• A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Girl, Humor

• So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Self Esteem, Humor

• Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, America

• Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, Trying

• I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Cocky, Humor

• My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Humor, Italian

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