Tim Vine Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Brother, Dad

• So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Oysters

  "Comedy preview" by Wiliam Cook, www.theguardian.com. April 28, 2005.

• My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

• So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Tuesday

• I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Trying

• Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, People

• When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Home

• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Today

• I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Paris

• I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Blood

  Tim Vine (2010). “The Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book”, p.24, Random House

• So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Men

• This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Vines

• So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Games

• Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Eggs

• I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Blokes

• So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Giving

• I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Trying

• So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Want

  Tim Vine (2012). “The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition”, p.110, Random House

• So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Stars, Humor

• I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Doors

  Tim Vine (2012). “The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition”, p.20, Random House

• So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, House

• I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Restaurants

• I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Names

• You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Circles

• I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

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