Humorous Quotes - Page 5

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  Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

  Carl Jung

  Funny, Depression, Witty

  Quoted in the Observer, 19 Jul 1975.

  107 Copy quote

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  Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

  Mel Brooks

  Funny, Death, Suicide

  "The 2,000 Year Old Man". Animation, Comedy, 1975.

  43 Copy quote

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• Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

  Albert Einstein

  Inspirational, Funny, Change

  Albert Einstein (2010). “The Ultimate Quotable Einstein”, p.482, Princeton University Press

  1681 Copy quote

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  Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

  Albert Einstein

  Funny, Life, Cute

  Albert Einstein (2010). “The Ultimate Quotable Einstein”, p.482, Princeton University Press

  126 Copy quote

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• As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

  Dick Cavett

  Inspirational, Funny, Business

  Playboy Interview. Vol. 18, no. 3, p. 70, March 1971.

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• If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

  Sam Levenson

  Funny, Death, Clever

  Sam Levenson (2016). “You Don't Have to Be in Who's Who to Know What's What: The Choice Wit and Wisdom of Sam Levenson”, p.60, Open Road Media

  44 Copy quote

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• Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.

  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

  Funny, Math, Science

  16 Copy quote

• Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

  Abraham Kaplan

  Children, Parenting, Boys

  Abraham Kaplan (1973). “The conduct of inquiry”, p.28, Transaction Publishers

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• Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Sarcastic

  Quoted in More Maxims of Mark, ed. Merle Johnson (1927)

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  When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Death, Hilarious

  2383 Copy quote

• The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

  Frank Lloyd Wright

  Witty, Badass, Mistake

  The New York Times Magazine, October 04, 1953.

  76 Copy quote

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• And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

  Woody Allen

  Witty, Parenting, Rooms

  In Eric Lax Woody Allen and his Comedy (1975) ch. 1

  11 Copy quote

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• I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Witty, People

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  64 Copy quote

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• Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

  Ross Macdonald

  Funny, Witty, Powerful

  Ross Macdonald (2011). “The Drowning Pool”, p.28, Vintage Crime/Black Lizard

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• Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

  Robert Orben

  Native American, Profound, Insane

  "They Said What?". Manly Daily, August 05, 2008.

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• Mind is never a problem. Mindset is

  Narendra Modi

  Funny, Powerful, Attitude

  150 Copy quote
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  My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

  Jack Benny

  Love, Funny, Relationship

  74 Copy quote

• Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

  Woody Allen

  Movie, Sex, Annie Hall

  Annie Hall (motion picture) (1977). Cowritten with Marshall Brickman.

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• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Witty, Media

  35 Copy quote

• In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

  George Carlin

  Wow, Bows, Dictionary

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

  Sacha Guitry

  Inspirational, Funny, Marriage

  "Book of Humorous Quotations" edited by Connie Robertson, (p. 83), 1998.

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• I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Profound, Temptation, Insane

  The Apple Cart (1930) interlude

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• Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Motivational, Business

  Pudd'nhead Wilson ch. 19, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" (1894)

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• There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.

  Colonel Sanders

  Death, Business, Men

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  41 Copy quote

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• Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

  Oprah Winfrey

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  417 Copy quote