You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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