I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
This man dresses like an unmade bed.
I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
We aim to please... You aim too, please.
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
What is a home without children? Quiet.
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
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