If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'
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