How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
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