If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
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