When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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