Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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