Golf Humor Quotes

• The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

  Chi Chi Rodriguez

  Golf, Bags, Woods

  8 Copy quote

• I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

  Bob Hope

  Golf, Play, Age

  18 Copy quote

• If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

  Dean Martin

  Retirement, Drinking, Book

  "Famous drinkers" by Rob Parker, www.theguardian.com. April 18, 2004.

  147 Copy quote

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• Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course

  Bobby Jones

  Golf, Games, Mental Toughness

  Quoted in Colin Jarman The Guinness Dictionary of Sports Quotations (1990).

  94 Copy quote

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• If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

  Lee Trevino

  Sports, Golf, Iron

  61 Copy quote

• Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.

  William Wordsworth

  Sports, Retirement, Golf

  'The Prelude' (1850) bk. 4, l. 376

  11 Copy quote

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• Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.

  Harry Vardon

  Funny, Retirement, Golf

  41 Copy quote

• Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.

  Tiger Woods

  Basketball, Sports, Sexy

  145 Copy quote

• I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

  Lee Trevino

  Dirty, Golf, Games

  Quoted in Scholastic Coach,'Coaches' Corner', Dec 1982.

  65 Copy quote

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• I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

  Joe E. Lewis

  Funny, Golf, Play

  10 Copy quote

• The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

  George Deukmejian

  Funny, Lying, Golf

  49 Copy quote

• The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.

  Pete Dye

  Funny, Golf, Play

  53 Copy quote

• Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

  Jack Benny

  Beautiful, Sports, Golf

  36 Copy quote

• I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser.

  Arnold Palmer

  Golf, Games, Strokes

  11 Copy quote

• Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.

  Jim Bishop

  Funny, Retirement, Native American

  14 Copy quote

• I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Sports, Golf, Guitar

  Quoted in Colin Jarman The Guinness Dictionary of Sports Quotations (1990).

  8 Copy quote

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• The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

  Phyllis Diller

  Retirement, Real, Golf

  16 Copy quote

• They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.

  Ray Floyd

  Funny, Taken, Golf

  45 Copy quote
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  I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

  Gerald R. Ford

  Funny, Sports, Golf

  8 Copy quote

• The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

  Billy Graham

  Sports, Prayer, Golf

  Billy Graham (2013). “Quotes from Billy Graham: A Legacy of Faith”, p.143, B&H Publishing Group

  8 Copy quote

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• These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.

  Sam Snead

  Dirty, Golf, Gold

  14 Copy quote

• If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Hope, Inspirational Sports

  20 Copy quote

• If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

  Jack Lemmon

  Sports, Dirty, Golf

  68 Copy quote

• Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it.

  Jimmy Demaret

  Sex, Golf, Enjoy

  25 Copy quote

• Golf is a game in which you yell "for," shoot six, and write down five.

  Paul Harvey

  Writing, Golf, Games

  13 Copy quote