Funny Religious Quotes

• The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Life, Religious, Atheist

  George Bernard Shaw (1993). “The Complete Prefaces: 1914-1929”, Viking Adult

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• With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.

  Steven Weinberg

  God, Religious, Atheist

  "Behaving Badly? Stop Using Religion as an Excuse!" by Roy Speckhardt, www.huffingtonpost.com. April 2, 2014.

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• Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.

  Oscar Wilde

  Inspirational, Funny, Cat

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• Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.

  Blaise Pascal

  Inspirational, Sad, Religious

  Pensees no. 894 (1670 ed.)

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• Where knowledge ends, religion begins.

  Benjamin Disraeli

  Atheist, Religion, Atheism

  Attributed to Benjamin Disraeli in John Gordon Stewart Drysdale and John James Drysdale "The Protoplasmic Theory of Life" (p. 279), 1874.

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• Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

  Garrison Keillor

  Funny, Christian, Religious

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• People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

  Dave Barry

  Religious, Views, People

  Dave Barry (1998). “Dave Barry Turns 50”, Crown

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• I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

  Henny Youngman

  Atheist, Holiday, Christmas Wishes

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.

  Mahatma Gandhi

  God, Faith, Christian

  As quoted by William Rees-Mogg in "The Times", April 4, 2005.

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• Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Life, Motivational

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• You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

  Blaise Pascal

  Death, Spiritual, Atheist

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  When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Death, Forgiveness

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• When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

  Peter O'Toole

  Religious, Atheist, Talking

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• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Hilarious, Humorous

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• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Bible, Witty

  "George Carlin, R.I.P." by David Gibson, www.beliefnet.com. June 2008.

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• But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Sympathy, Spiritual

  Mark Twain (2012). “Autobiographical Writings”, p.338, Penguin

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• So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.

  Bertrand Russell

  Death, Atheist, Religion

  Bertrand Russell (2013). “Education and the Social Order”, p.73, Routledge

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• If God has made us in his image, we have returned him the favor.

  Voltaire

  Atheist, Atheism, Favors

  Voltaire's Notebooks (c.1735-c.1750),

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• No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: he is always convinced that it says what he means.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Our Theatres In The Nineties". Book by George Bernard Shaw, 1932.

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• The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

  Nicolas Chamfort

  Funny, Hilarious, Laughter

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• Man would indeeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.

  Albert Einstein

  God, Religious, Atheist

  Albert Einstein (2010). “The Ultimate Quotable Einstein”, p.328, Princeton University Press

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• Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

  Napoleon Bonaparte

  Religious, Money, Atheist

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• Qualifications of a pastor: the mind of a scholar, the heart of a child, and the hide of a rhinoceros

  Stuart Briscoe

  Children, Heart, Mind

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• If you believe in Odin and Thor, people laugh themselves to death. While it's okay to believe in a man who turned water into wine, and walked on water

  Mads Mikkelsen

  Funny, God, Jesus

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• Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Sarcastic, Inspiration

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.257, Courier Corporation

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