Funny Oxymoron Quotes

• If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Funny, Happiness, Witty

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  78 Copy quote

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• Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Humorous, Sleep

  "Fictional character: The Great Man". "Never Give a Sucker an Even Break", www.imdb.com. October 10, 1941.

  47 Copy quote

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• It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

  Mark Twain

  Business, Communication, Skills Training

  Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.76, St. Martin's Press

  23 Copy quote

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• You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.

  Yogi Berra

  Funny, Death, Hilarious

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  123 Copy quote

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• Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  23 Copy quote

• We learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.

  Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

  Men, History, Oxymoron

  41 Copy quote

• I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Funny, Witty, Book

  22 Copy quote

• I never said most of the things I said.

  Yogi Berra

  Funny, Baseball, Witty

  "Yogi Berra, baseball Hall of Famer and New York Yankees catcher, dies at 90" by Alan Evans, www.theguardian.com. September 23, 2015.

  17 Copy quote

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• You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!

  Dolly Parton

  Fashion, Funny Valentines Day, Funny Relationship

  Twitter post from Jan 30, 2015

  13 Copy quote

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• I have a terrible memory; I never forget a thing.

  Edith Konecky

  Memories, Never Forget, Oxymoron

  Edith Konecky, Alix Kates Shulman, Tillie Olsen (2001). “Allegra Maud Goldman”, p.4, Feminist Press at CUNY

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• The budget was unlimited, but I exceeded it.

  Donald Trump

  Unlimited, Oxymoron, Budgets

  30 Copy quote

• A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Funny, Witty, Stupid

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  9 Copy quote

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• Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

  Steven Wright

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  13 Copy quote

• Tell them to stand closer apart.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Funny, Witty

  11 Copy quote

• I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Funny, Witty, Years

  8 Copy quote

• The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Dying, Dull, Scene

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

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• I hate people but I love gatherings.

  Edna St. Vincent Millay

  Hate, People, Gathering

  10 Copy quote

• Spare no expense to save money on this one.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Book, Beer, Drink

  8 Copy quote

• I was always an independent, even when I had partners.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Independent, Independent Women, Partners

  9 Copy quote

• Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Funny, Witty, War

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  7 Copy quote

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• You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

  Josh Billings

  Funny, Money, Income

  7 Copy quote

• Of course a politician's promise isn't worth the paper it's written on.

  Russell Pearce

  Silly, Agreement, Promise

  12 Copy quote

• I never liked you, and I always will.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Oxymoron

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

  14 Copy quote

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• Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that men never learn anything from history.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Inspirational, Funny, Men

  "Heartbreak House: A Fantasia in the Russian Manner on English Themes".

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• A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Funny, Movie, Silly

  34 Copy quote