COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.
Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.
Achievement; the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.
Censor, n. An officer of certain governments, employed to supress the works of genius. Among the Romans the censor was an inspector of public morals, but the public morals of modern nations will not bear inspection.
Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper - the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort.
CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do "me"?
LIAR, n. One who tells an unpleasant truth.
LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.
Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
Doubt is the father of invention.
TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.
FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person - a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately permitted to lose his case.
Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.
Work: a dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.
GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism.
UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.
ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists.
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
Magic: (n) The art of converting superstition into coin.
Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.
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