Witty One Liners Quotes

• Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

  W. C. Fields

  Love, Inspirational, Life

  79 Copy quote

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  113 Copy quote

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• There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

  George Carlin

  Mathematical Logic, People, Three

  55 Copy quote

• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Happiness

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  661 Copy quote

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• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Leadership, Sarcastic

  "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, December 9, 2003.

  114 Copy quote

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  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  Miles Kington

  Funny, Hilarious, Wise

  The Independent (UK), March 28, 2003.

  612 Copy quote

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• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Positive, Success

  55 Copy quote

• I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

  Jack Lemmon

  Funny, Music, Morning

  97 Copy quote

• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Witty, Time

  698 Copy quote
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  I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

  Douglas Adams

  Love, Inspirational, Hilarious

  "The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time (Dirk Gently, Book 3)". Book by Douglas Adams, 2002.

  105 Copy quote

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• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  In Leo Rosten People I have Loved, Known or Admired (1970) "Groucho"

  82 Copy quote

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• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  53 Copy quote

• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

  George Burns

  Love, Inspirational, Funny

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  150 Copy quote

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• I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Death: A Comedy in One Act". Book by Woody Allen, 1975.

  141 Copy quote

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• The second mouse gets the cheese!

  Terry Pratchett

  Funny, Witty, Iron

  17 Copy quote

• If you can't convince them, confuse them.

  Harry S. Truman

  Witty, Business, Silly

  Harry S. Truman, Steve Neal (2003). “Miracle of Forty-eight”, p.139, SIU Press

  44 Copy quote

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• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  260 Copy quote

• I feel sorry for people who do not have a Bible to lean on.

  Adrian Rogers

  Sorry, Drinking, Beer

  Adrian Rogers, Steve Rogers (2012). “What Every Christian Ought to Know”, p.25, B&H Publishing Group

  22 Copy quote

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• If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

  Laurence J. Peter

  Funny, Witty, Revenge

  Laurence J. Peter (1979). “Peter's people”, W. Morrow

  33 Copy quote

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• Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig”, p.124, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

  23 Copy quote

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• I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

  Lily Tomlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  72 Copy quote

• A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

  Bill Cosby

  Funny, Life, Wise

  Twitter post from Oct 30, 2009

  42 Copy quote

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• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station….

  William Faulkner

  Bus Stops, Logical, Desks

  60 Copy quote

• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

  Woody Allen

  Love, Funny, Life

  415 Copy quote

• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Hilarious, Humorous

  187 Copy quote