It's been very jarring for me to stand in public and read about myself and my daughter and her father. I feel like I'm reading someone else's story, and I feel like I've lost something, too, in the writing of self, as if I'm standing and reading myself, as a stranger, to other strangers.
I feel now like a hinge between generations, which is strange. It just happened recently. I think it's because my daughter is so much like me at her age. I feel like I'm reliving my own mother's experience of raising me.
My daughter went to the school, and it's a very, very progressive and liberal school, and my commencement speech was telling the kids just to always be willing to quit, and that they need to quit a lot in their lives, and keep on quitting, because all the happiness I've ever got was when I turned my back on things that everybody else thought would make you happy. I can smell parents' stomach acid right now, but they know that whole "You gotta get a job and you gotta settle for what people perceive as success" thing is really absurd.
I know there's a part of the feminist world that is like, "Hey, screw 'em, we'll do our own thing over here," and I can see there's a value in that. But a kind of nudgy part of me thinks: No. I want access, and I want my daughters to have access to the exact same thing, because we all know there's no such thing as separate but equal.
Writing was my companion and stories were my companion when I was bedridden and didn't think I was going to walk again and all of that treacherous stuff. And stories are how you can comfort a child. It's certainly how I comforted my daughter, in good and bad times.
I think all artists secretly hope their kids might do something safer and straitlaced: maybe my daughter 'll be a banker.
I have never been convinced throughout my life that one needs to be imitating others. I even tell my daughters not to look at me as a model. Everyone's condition is different, and the way that each person lives his or her life is different. What is important is that one utilizes one's intellect and not to be 100 percent sure about one's convictions. One should always leave room for doubt.
When I hear that Jennifer Lopez is such a role model for Latinas, on the one hand I respect her for her business sense and I respect her for her ambition. But she's in the entertainment world. She's done it on her looks and very specifically on her anatomy. Madonna is also considered a great businesswoman and so is Yoko Ono. I feel if I had a young daughter right now, I would feel a little discouraged if that was my daughter's primary role model for success and for young people, for Latinas and Latinos.
I am noticing that we're getting more and more people - and I don't know how to handle this - who come to me saying, "Would you pray for my son? Would you pray for my daughter?" I've been saying, "Pray for them yourself." But they don't want that because they think I've got something that's greater than what they have. I keep saying, "I don't! Not really. I got the title 'minister; but I don't want to exploit you. You do it, too." I think the way to solve it is to do it together. We're going to pray in community, you see?
I was happy to spend time with my family, get to know my daughter, who was born during The West Wing. I missed her first words. I missed her first steps. I'd leave work before she woke up and got home after she was asleep and didn't really know her. So it was important for that reason to reintroduce myself to the family after all of that hard work.
I turned down a lot of things - some very lucrative - because I could afford to at that time. That didn't lead to a happy place. I was happy to spend time with my family, get to know my daughter, who was born during The West Wing.
In the past I've always been the type of person to try and fit a square peg in a round hole. I can be very tenacious like that. But since I've had my daughter, I've found that I like the way life unfolds when I give the universe some space to guide me. It took me until my forties to realize that.
I think that the language that we use is a ritual, that my [maternal] grandmother was called "Big Mama" is a ritual, that my daughter calls my father "Baba" and my mother "Mama" is a ritual. There are common African-American rituals that are a part of my experience. If I ever get married some day I would like to jump the broom.
Actors, producers and directors have a responsibility. My personal pledge, since I became a mother 12 years ago, is that I won't be in any project my daughter can't watch. I'm trying to prepare her for the world.
I was pretty much a single-father for most of my daughter India's life. Looking back, were there things I could've done better? Yes, but I'm still pretty proud of myself for having raised such an amazing individual. Being a parent is not easy, but speaking for myself, it's a wonderful blessing and the most rewarding job I've ever had.
I have always tried to keep an honest, age-appropriate line of communication open with my daughter,India, even during the teen years, a painful time of development when they usually shut down, and the last person they want to speak to is a parent. But India would always tell me what was going on, so I really encourage people to be as open with your children as you possibly can.
What gets me up in the morning is either my daughter crawling into bed or my sons having to go to school. I love my family. They need a certain level of economic resources. They need my time. They need my attention. That's why I do what I do...and don't do what I don't do what I don't do.
Lately, I'm thinking a lot about, in parenting and in my writing, how to create a language about sexism in a way that is attractive and approachable to this age group. I can teach my daughter about not talking to strangers but I can't teach her about how to succeed in a sexist world or even how to exist as a body in a sexist world. I want to begin by asking girls what they want and why they want it? Interrogating that. If this is the sex life you want, what makes you think you want that? I imagine the only way to authentically get at sexuality is by asking those questions.
I think motherhood has made issues all feel much more urgent than they did before. So it didn't necessarily change how I feel about certain things - it just fired me up to be even more active on behalf of my daughter.
The funny thing is I showed my daughter E.T. recently, and she was like, it's Pete's Dragon. It's a boy, who makes friend with a creature, and has to say goodbye at the end. I'd never made that connection!
My proudest accomplishment is my daughter Ella. Because she is a great person, great personality. She not really my accomplishment, she is her own, but I had something to do with it.
I really think that parenthood cracks you open, which sounds so vague, but it is a different type of vulnerability. That's the bottom line. There isn't a second that I'm with my daughter that I don't appreciate every moment we have. All you want to do is protect her and create the best bubble possible for her to view the world.
I'm trying to be present in my daughters life as much as I can. I didn't have any kids or really any family. I have a family but I just dove into work 1,000%. I think as an artist when you're young like that, when you move into your 30's or 40's if you have time to focus on that you need that time. It's part of that.
It's funny, I don't really feel that nostalgic. I only recently started putting up some photos from some of the sessions I've done over the years and some of the Garbage sessions because my daughter, who's 10-years-old, when she was about 6 or 7 she was more curious about what I do. I have all these platinum records and stuff, they've all just been in boxes in storage for years but I started just digging through those things because I sort of want her to be aware of my past. I never really put the old recordings on and listen to them and go, "Oh that sounds great."
I don't go to McDonalds, but when I was working for Gourmet magazine in New York City, my daughter liked to go there. I was completely paranoid that someone would recognize me there and say, 'Gourmet critic spotted at McDonalds! Buying a Happy Meal!'
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