Funny Smoking Quotes

• Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  96 Copy quote

• If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Humorous, Smoking

  10 Copy quote

• People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!

  Wendy Liebman

  Marijuana, Bothering You, People

  20 Copy quote

• I used to smoke two packs a day and I just hate being a nonsmoker.... but I will never consider myself a nonsmoker because I always find smokers the most interesting people at the table.

  Michelle Pfeiffer

  Hate, Cigarette Smoke, Two

  53 Copy quote
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  I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

  Johnny Carson

  Death, Sex, Drinking

  84 Copy quote

• I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Smoking, Literature

  "The Jumping Frog: And 18 Other Stories".

  33 Copy quote

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• Smoking is one of the leading causes of all statistics.

  Liza Minnelli

  Funny, Cigarette Smoke, Smoking

  18 Copy quote

• Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

  Brooke Shields

  Funny, Life, Witty

  Testimony at House of Representatives hearings on cigarette advertising, 25 June 1981

  30 Copy quote

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• A cigar has "...a fire at one end and a fool at the other."

  Horace Greeley

  Funny, Humorous, Fire

  32 Copy quote

• Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic's best friend!

  Gerard Way

  Drinking, Coffee, Smoking

  21 Copy quote

• Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

  Groucho Marx

  Choices, Smoking, Cigar

  23 Copy quote

• I tried to stop smoking cigarettes by telling myself I just didn't want to smoke, but I didn't believe myself

  Barbara Kelly

  Believe, Cigarette Smoke, Smoking

  76 Copy quote

• Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Anniversary, Sex

  "I give up" by Emily Wilson, www.theguardian.com. August 5, 2003.

  22 Copy quote

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• To smoke or not to smoke: I can make of either a life-work.

  Mignon McLaughlin

  Cigarette Smoke, Smoking, I Can

  Mignon McLaughlin (2014). “Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin”, p.105, BookBaby

  11 Copy quote

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• I DON'T smoke anymore, except on National No Smoking Day as a protest against those who want to control our lives.

  Richard Littlejohn

  Smoking, Want, Protest

  57 Copy quote

• More than one cigar at a time is excessive smoking.

  Mark Twain

  Time, Smoking, Cigar

  Mark Twain (2012). “The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain: A Book of Quotations”, p.60, Courier Corporation

  16 Copy quote

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• Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags.

  Bill Hicks

  Eye, Cigarette Smoke, Smoking

  12 Copy quote

• If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

  Douglas Adams

  Fire, Cigarette Smoke, Smoking

  16 Copy quote

• A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.

  Rudyard Kipling

  Funny, Marriage, Cigarette Smoke

  "The Betrothed" st. 25 (1886)

  27 Copy quote

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• If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

  George Burns

  Taken, Doctors, Funeral

  47 Copy quote

• A cigarette is the only consumer product which when used as directed kills its consumer.

  Gro Harlem Brundtland

  Cigarette Smoke, Smoking, Used

  "Penalising Smokers to Help Us All Breathe Easy" by Rita Panahi, www.heraldsun.com.au. June 30, 2013.

  27 Copy quote

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• The believing we do something when we do nothing is the first illusion of tobacco.

  Ralph Waldo Emerson

  Believe, Smoking, Firsts

  Ralph Waldo Emerson, David Mikics (2012). “The Annotated Emerson”, p.452, Harvard University Press

  9 Copy quote

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• Much smoking kills live men and cures dead swine.

  George D. Prentice

  Marijuana, Men, Cigarette Smoke

  9 Copy quote

• He who doth not smoke hath either known no great griefs, or refuseth himself the softest consolation, next to that which comes from heaven.

  Edward Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton

  Grief, Cigarette Smoke, Smoking

  "What Will He Do With It?". Book by Edward Bulwer-Lytton, Book I, Chapter VI, 1858.

  9 Copy quote

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• For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

  Jay Leno

  Sex, Cigarette Smoke, Smoking

  11 Copy quote