Funny Men And Women Quotes

• The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

  Mark Twain

  Men, Thinking, Average

  298 Copy quote

• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

  Jim Carrey

  Funny, Laughter, Women

  141 Copy quote

• If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.

  Margaret Thatcher

  Inspirational, Funny, Wise

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  130 Copy quote

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• When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

  Elayne Boosler

  Depression, Country, Strong Women

  17 Copy quote
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  Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

  Joseph Conrad

  Funny, Hilarious, Strong Women

  112 Copy quote

• Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

  Jill Shalvis

  Jobs, Wine, Dark

  45 Copy quote

• Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Wedding, Truth

  "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?". Book by George Carlin, 2004.

  109 Copy quote

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• If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

  Aristotle Onassis

  Funny Love, Witty, Money

  Quoted in Barbara Rowes, The Book of Quotes (1979)

  157 Copy quote

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• Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

  Billy Crystal

  Sexy, Funny Sex, Being Single

  "Fictional character: Mitch Robbins". "City Slickers", www.imdb.com. June 7, 1991.

  115 Copy quote

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  You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

  Erica Jong

  Love, Witty, Women

  154 Copy quote

• Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

  Albert Einstein

  Inspirational, Funny, Change

  Albert Einstein (2010). “The Ultimate Quotable Einstein”, p.482, Princeton University Press

  1683 Copy quote

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• Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

  Jean Kerr

  Women, Wish, Cleaning

  Jean Kerr (1962). “The Snake Has all the Lines”

  12 Copy quote

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• Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

  Charlotte Whitton

  Funny, Hilarious, Strong Women

  Canada Month, June 1963. A later satirical version of this saying added to the end "Luckily, this is not difficult" (Paul Dickson, The Official Rules [1978]). See Eleanor Roosevelt 2

  102 Copy quote

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• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

  Sacha Guitry

  Inspirational, Funny, Marriage

  "Book of Humorous Quotations" edited by Connie Robertson, (p. 83), 1998.

  79 Copy quote

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• Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

  George Carlin

  Love, Funny, Cute Relationship

  22 Copy quote

• Man has will, but woman has her way.

  Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

  Funny, Women, Humorous

  18 Copy quote

• A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

  Carrie Snow

  Inspiring, Women, Glowing

  113 Copy quote
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  I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

  Dolly Parton

  Funny, Inspiring, Girly

  111 Copy quote

• The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

  Helen Hayes

  Funny, Life, Witty

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes".

  31 Copy quote

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• A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.

  Chauncey Depew

  Funny, Women, Silly

  "FPA Book of Quotations : A New Collection of Famous Sayings". Book by Franklin Pierce Adams, 1952.

  22 Copy quote

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• The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.

  George Carlin

  Crazy, Stupid, Men

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.550, Hachette UK

  19 Copy quote

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• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

  Groucho Marx

  Love, Funny, Witty

  153 Copy quote

• A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  Oscar Wilde (2014). “The Wit and Wisdom of Oscar Wilde”, p.13, Courier Corporation

  80 Copy quote

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• Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

  Oscar Wilde

  Love, Friendship, Sarcastic

  Oscar Wilde (2014). “The Importance of Being Earnest and Other Plays”, p.139, Simon and Schuster

  198 Copy quote

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• How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Marriage, Valentines Day

  157 Copy quote