Funny Atheist Quotes

• With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.

  Steven Weinberg

  God, Religious, Atheist

  "Behaving Badly? Stop Using Religion as an Excuse!" by Roy Speckhardt, www.huffingtonpost.com. April 2, 2014.

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• In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We're only one God away from total agreement.

  Michael Shermer

  Funny, God, Atheist

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• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.

  Benjamin Disraeli

  Atheist, Men, Teach A Man To Fish

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• When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

  Peter O'Toole

  Religious, Atheist, Talking

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• Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Life, Motivational

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• Where knowledge ends, religion begins.

  Benjamin Disraeli

  Atheist, Religion, Atheism

  Attributed to Benjamin Disraeli in John Gordon Stewart Drysdale and John James Drysdale "The Protoplasmic Theory of Life" (p. 279), 1874.

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• I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.

  Mahatma Gandhi

  God, Faith, Christian

  As quoted by William Rees-Mogg in "The Times", April 4, 2005.

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• Faith: not wanting to know what is true.

  Friedrich Nietzsche

  Faith, Religious, Atheist

  Friedrich Nietzsche (1977). “The Portable Nietzsche”, p.383, Penguin

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• I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.

  Susan B. Anthony

  Inspirational, God, Death

  Lynn Sherr, Susan B. Anthony (1995). “Failure Is Impossible: Susan B. Anthony in Her Own Words”, Crown

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• You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

  Blaise Pascal

  Death, Spiritual, Atheist

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• Believing there is no God gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex, Jell-O, and all the other things I can prove and that make this life the best life I will ever have.

  Penn Jillette

  Atheist, Sex, Believe

  "There Is No God". "Morning Edition" with Renee Montagne, www.npr.org. November 21, 2005.

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• A man's ethical behaviour should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.

  Albert Einstein

  Sympathy, God, Death

  Albert Einstein (2010). “Ideas And Opinions”, p.39, Broadway Books

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• Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.

  George Carlin

  Religious, Atheist, Men

  "You Are All Diseased". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.

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• Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful.

  Seneca the Younger

  Wise, Religious, Atheist

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• Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer.

  Madalyn Murray O'Hair

  Atheist, Prayer, Hands

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• No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: he is always convinced that it says what he means.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Our Theatres In The Nineties". Book by George Bernard Shaw, 1932.

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• I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

  Henny Youngman

  Atheist, Holiday, Christmas Wishes

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• The existence of God is not subjective. He either exists or he doesn’t. It’s not a matter of opinion. You can have your own opinions. But you can’t have your own facts.

  Ricky Gervais

  God, Atheist, Religion

  "Ricky Gervais: Why I’m an Atheist". blogs.wsj.com. December 19, 2010.

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• George Bush says he speaks to god every day, & Christians love him for it. If George Bush said he spoke to god through his hair dryer, they would think he was mad. I fail to see how the addition of a hair dryer makes it any more absurd.

  Sam Harris

  Christian, Thinking, Hair

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• The most heinous and the most cruel crimes of which history has record have been committed under the cover of religion or equally noble motives.

  Mahatma Gandhi

  Religious, Atheist, Fear

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• So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.

  Bertrand Russell

  Death, Atheist, Religion

  Bertrand Russell (2013). “Education and the Social Order”, p.73, Routledge

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• The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.

  Steven Weinberg

  Death, Spiritual, Religious

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• Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.

  Isaac Asimov

  Dream, Religious, Atheist

  "Like Rolling Uphill: Realizing the Honesty of Atheism". Book by Dianna Narciso, 2004.

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• An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

  John Buchan

  Funny, Atheist, Humorous

  Quoted in Harry E. Fosdick, On Being a Real Person (1943)

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• The way to see by Faith is to shut the Eye of Reason.

  Benjamin Franklin

  Faith, Spiritual, Religious

  Benjamin Franklin (1987). “Poor Richard's Almanack: Being the Choicest Morsels of Wisdom, Written During the Years of the Almanack's Publication”, p.16, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

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