Bad Jokes Quotes

• If we live inside a bad joke, it is up to us to learn, at best and worst, to tell it well.

  Jonathan Raban

  Worst, Wells, Ifs

  1986 Coasting, ch.6.

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• I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.

  Sandra Bernhard

  Comic, Performers, Jokes

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• My life is passed in making bad jokes and seeing them turn into true prophecies.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Life Is, Prophecy, Turns

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• If mankind is naturally good, he is sure going against his nature more and more of the time. It sounds like a bad joke: the paranoids are after us.

  Herbert Gold

  Sound, Human Nature, Mankind

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• Bad jokes, and gay marriage are destroying this country - but torture can save it.

  Jon Stewart

  Country, Gay, Politics

  "Jon Stewart Defends Wanda Sykes Venom - With Weird Comparisons to Waterboarding". "The Daily Show" with Jon Stewart, www.newsbusters.org. May 11, 2009.

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• Death meant little to me. It was the last joke in a series of bad jokes.

  Charles Bukowski

  Littles, Lasts, Series

  Charles Bukowski (1979). “Shakespeare Never Did this”

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• The Crimean War is one of the bad jokes of history.

  Philip Guedalla

  War, Jokes

  1943 The Two Marshals.

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• Don't talk like one of them. You're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these... these civilized people, they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve. -The Joker

  Christopher Nolan

  Dark, Curves, Knights

  "Fictional character: The Joker". "The Dark Knight", www.imdb.com. 2008.

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• As though all the world were a bad joke and she was the only one around who knew the punchline.

  Jack Ketchum

  World, Punchlines, Jokes

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• To such men the desperate and horrible thought has come that perhaps the whole of human life is but a bad joke, a violent and ill-fated abortion of the primal mother, a savage and dismal catastophe of nature.

  Hermann Hesse

  Mother, Men, Abortion

  Hermann Hesse (2013). “Steppenwolf: A Novel”, p.45, Macmillan

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• A girl can tell I like her when I blush or start telling bad jokes.

  Zac Efron

  Girl, Like Her, Jokes

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• Other than his ex-wife and despite appearances with a series of cultivated blondes, Edward de Bono has never publicly aligned himself with a woman. 'I’m looking for a fat, cross-eyed hunchback,' he explains, stifling a giggle. 'A prosthetic hump would do.' His delight evaporates when asked about his three grandchildren. 'Am I a doting grandfather?' He pauses. 'I’m a … something grandfather, yes.' The fact that De Bono remains unperturbed by this lack betrays an emotionally austere childhood, and his passions for play, toys, and bad jokes tell of the same deprivation. 

  Antonella Gambotto-Burke

  Passion, Grandchildren, Play

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• The two-party system is a bad joke on the American people; when it comes to Republicans and Democrats remember they are two sides of the same coin. Voting for the lesser of two evils is still a vote for evil and not an answer to our problems. A vote for a Republican or a Democrat will not fix anything and is a wasted vote.

  Aaron Russo

  Party, Two Sides, People

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• The Sopranos' is filled with really retrograde humor. Bathroom humor, falls, stupid puns, bad jokes - infantile, adolescent stuff, but it makes me laugh.

  David Chase

  Stupid, Fall, Laughing

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• Honey, Kate is not going to die sooner because you have one more glass of mine, or because you stay overnight in a hotel, or because you let yourself crack up at a bad joke. So sit your ass back down and turn up the volume and act like you're a normal person.

  Jodi Picoult

  Glasses, Normal, Cracks

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• We suppose that could be considered a hedged position for the awards committee, one that would never occur in the hard sciences such as physics and chemistry, where a prize shared among three with divergent views would be an embarrassing mistake or a bad joke. While a Nobel Prize might well be the culmination of a life’s work, shouldn’t the work accurately describe the real world?

  Seth Klarman

  Real, Mistake, Awards

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• Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying, with bad jokes, that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city
  5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a genius.

  Larry the Cable Guy

  Smart, New Orleans, Assessment

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• It was a strange feeling going into a church I did not know for a service that I did not really believe in, but once inside I couldn't help a feeling of warmth and security. Outside there were wars and road accidents and murders, striptease clubs and battered babies and frayed tempers and unhappy marriages and people contemplating suicide and bad jokes, but once in St. Martin's there was peace. Surely people go to church not to involve themselves in the world's problems but to escape from them.

  Michael Palin

  Suicide, Baby, War

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• So this is it. You are scored on my heart, Clark. You were from the first day you walked in, with your ridiculous clothes and your bad jokes and your complete inability to ever hide a single thing you felt.

  Jojo Moyes

  Heart, Clothes, Inability

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• Raphael continued to stare at me, in no hurry to get started. "You know the best way to get rid of a demon, right?" He asked with a serious face. I caught Ivy rolling her eyes as I shook my head. "Exorcise alot!" Ivy caught my expression of dismay. "It's okay, Beth. He's famous for his bad jokes. We're still waiting for him to grow up." "And like Peter Pan, I hope to avoid that at all costs.

  Alexandra Adornetto

  Growing Up, Eye, Expression

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• A cowboy, a lawyer, and a mechanic watched Queen of the Damned,” I murmured. Warren—who had once, a long time ago, been a cowboy—snickered and wiggled his bare feet. “It could be the beginning of either a bad joke or a horror story.” “No,” said Kyle, the lawyer, whose head was propped up on my thigh. “If you want a horror story, you have to start out with a werewolf, his gorgeous lover, and a walker.

  Patricia Briggs

  Queens, Cowboy, Horror Stories

  Patricia Briggs (2011). “The Mercy Thompson Collection”, p.641, Penguin

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• Lend's dad, two werewolves, and a vampire. It was like the setup to a bad joke or something. A doctor, two werewolves, and a vampire walk into a bar. "What'll you have?" the bartender asks. "We were thinking him," the vampire answers, eyeing the doctor. Okay, jokes weren't my strong point.

  Kiersten White

  Strong, Dad, Thinking

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• Keep your shirt on," she said with a laugh at her bad joke. "Your clothes are at the laundry. They'll deliver them as soon as they're ready." "And in the meantime?" "Looks like you're naked." His jaw worked as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "I beg your pardon?" "Beg all you want, you're still going to be naked." Tabitha paused at the wicked image in her mind. "Come to think of it, a gorgeous, begging, naked man… that's the stuff of fantasies. Begging won't get you your clothes, but it could get you something else." She wiggled her eyebrows at him.

  Sherrilyn Kenyon

  Believe, Thinking, Men

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• If you're from New Jersey, let people make all those bad jokes about our state. Don't let anyone know how great it is here. It's the best kept secret.

  Jon Bon Jovi

  Best Kept Secrets, People, Jersey

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