Lundy Bancroft Quotes

• Has he ever trapped you in a room and not let you out?
  Has he ever raised a fist as if he were going to hit you?
  Has he ever thrown an object that hit you or nearly did?
  Has he ever held you down or grabbed you to restrain you?
  Has he ever threatened to hurt you?
  If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we can stop wondering whether he'll ever be violent; he already has been.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Hurt, Answers, Fists

  52 Copy quote

• An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he's not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Believe, Responsibility, Giving

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.57, Penguin

  28 Copy quote

• It is not possible to be truly balanced in one's views of an abuser and an abused woman. As Dr. Judith Herman explains eloquently in her masterwork Trauma and Recovery, “neutrality” actually serves the interests of the perpetrator much more than those of the victim and so is not neutral. Although an abuser prefers to have you wholeheartedly on his side, he will settle contentedly for your decision to take a middle stance. To him, that means you see the couple's problems as partly her fault and partly his fault, which means it isn't abuse.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Couple, Women, Mean

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.287, Penguin

  42 Copy quote

• Abusers thrive on creating confusion, including confusion about the abuse itself.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Creating, Confusion, Abuse

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.48, Penguin

  38 Copy quote

• One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don't seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser's friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone's image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Kindness, Successful, Men

  21 Copy quote

• It is important to note that research has shown that men who have abusive mothers do not tend to develop especially negative attitudes toward females, but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons.
  So while a small number of abusive men do hate women, the great majority exhibit a more subtle-though often quite pervasive-sense of superiority or contempt toward females, and some don't show any obvious signs of problems with women at all until they are in a serious relationship.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Daughter, Mother, Attitude

  19 Copy quote

• Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty-he builds to the next. By depersonalizing his partner, the abuser protects himself from the natural human emotions of guilt and empathy, so that he can sleep at night with a clear conscience. He distances himself so far from her humanity that her feelings no longer count, or simply cease to exist.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Distance, Sleep, Night

  25 Copy quote

• But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life, always forcing his way into the
  center of the picture. You deserve to have your life be about you; you are worth it.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Critical Decisions, Lenses, Way

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.23, Penguin

  18 Copy quote

• Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once. If he raises a fist; punches a hole in the wall; throws things at you; blocks your way; restrains you; grabs, pushes, or pokes you; or threatens to hurt you, that's physical abuse. He is creating fear and using your need for physical freedom and safety as a way to control you.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Hurt, Wall, Block

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.128, Penguin

  24 Copy quote

• Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: “When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Morning, Dirty, Mirrors

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.126, Penguin

  18 Copy quote

• As long as we see abusers as victims, or as out-of-control monsters, they will continue getting away with ruining lives. If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Giving Up, Luxury, Long

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.157, Penguin

  14 Copy quote

• The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as
  obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man's emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Men, Emotional, Long

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.32, Penguin

  32 Copy quote

• One of the prevalent features of life with an angry or controlling partner is that he frequently tells you what you should think and tries to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Thinking, Perception, Doubt

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.22, Penguin

  21 Copy quote

• The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are:
  You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.
  I can easily convince other people that you're the one who is messed up.
  As long as I'm calm, you can't call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.
  I know exactly how to get under your skin.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Attitude, Crazy, Long

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.85, Penguin

  18 Copy quote

• The sense of ownership is one reason why abuse tends to get worse as relationships get more serious. The more history and commitment that develop in the couple, the more the abuser comes to think of his partner as a prized object. Possessiveness is at the core of the abuser's mindset, the spring from which all the other streams spout; on some level he feels that he owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Couple, Spring, Commitment

  13 Copy quote

• The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are:
  It's your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I'm unhappy about
  any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it's your fault.
  You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.
  I am above criticism.
  I am a very loving and giving partner. You're lucky to have me.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Jobs, Attitude, Grateful

  19 Copy quote

• Few people are aware of the severe human rights violations committed daily by family court judges across the country. These courts are siding over and over again with proven sexual abusers of children and batterers of women. I wouldn't believe it myself if I hadn't done so much investigating.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Country, Children, Believe

  15 Copy quote

• Disrespect also can take the form of idealizing you and putting you on a pedestal as a perfect woman or goddess, perhaps treating you like a piece of fine china. The man who worships you in this way is not seeing you; he is seeing his fantasy, and when you fail to live up to that image he may turn nasty. So there may not be much difference between the man who talks down to you and the one who elevates you; both are displaying a failure to respect you as a real human being and bode ill.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Real, Men, Worship You

  20 Copy quote

• It is fine to commiserate with a man about his bad experience with a previous partner, but the instant he uses her as an excuse to mistreat you, stop believing anything he tells you about that relationship and instead recognize it as a sign that he has problems with relating to women.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Believe, Men, Use

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.29, Penguin

  22 Copy quote

• Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Opposites, Abuse, Respect Someone

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.64, Penguin

  11 Copy quote

• We hear from time to time about horrible human rights atrocities happening around the globe. Our government claims that it stands in favor of human rights, and our leaders are in the news demanding consequences for other countries that are abusing their populations. But there is a huge denial about how widespread and common these kinds of atrocities are in the United States, and that we are not nearly as different from other countries as we would like to believe we are.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Country, Children, Believe

  17 Copy quote

• Never believe a man's claim that he has to harm his partner in order to protect her; only abusers think this way.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Believe, Men, Thinking

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.54, Penguin

  21 Copy quote

• Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Men, Abuse, Partners

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.128, Penguin

  10 Copy quote

• If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation.

  Lundy Bancroft

  Giving Up, Luxury, Want

  Lundy Bancroft (2003). “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”, p.157, Penguin

  7 Copy quote

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