Demetri Martin Quotes - Page 7

Quotes about:

• Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

  Demetri Martin

  Voice, Next, Best Things

  8 Copy quote

• A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.

  Demetri Martin

  Tattoo, Drawing, Design

  4 Copy quote

• I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

  Demetri Martin

  Home, Next, Train

  FaceBook post by Demetri Martin from Mar 20, 2013

  4 Copy quote

• Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

  Demetri Martin

  Have A Great Day, Enemy, Doe

  Twitter post from Oct 15, 2013

  12 Copy quote

• 99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

  Demetri Martin

  America, Castles, Tanks

  Demetri Martin (2011). “This Is a Book”, p.40, Hachette UK

  11 Copy quote

• Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

  Demetri Martin

  Struggle, Bed, Panic

  Twitter post from Sep 20, 2012

  10 Copy quote

• If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  59 Copy quote

• Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Example

  "Comedy Central Presents", www.imdb.com. March 19, 2004.

  10 Copy quote

• You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

  Demetri Martin

  Uncles, Kissing, Forgiving

  7 Copy quote

• I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

  Demetri Martin

  Thinking, Sound, My Favorite

  Twitter post from Sep 11, 2013

  10 Copy quote

• I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

  Demetri Martin

  Phones, Band, My Favorite

  7 Copy quote

• I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

  Demetri Martin

  Beach, Fate, Balls

  10 Copy quote

• Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Book, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.

  Demetri Martin

  Thinking, Bears, Gummies

  18 Copy quote

• Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Smell, Answers

  5 Copy quote

• For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.

  Demetri Martin

  Summer, Home, School

  "Demetri Martin On 'Taking Woodstock'". "All Things Considered" with Guy Raz, www.npr.org. August 15, 2009.

  9 Copy quote

• When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

  Demetri Martin

  Kids, Want, Yeah

  4 Copy quote

• I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  "Demetri Martin". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. March 19, 2004.

  24 Copy quote

• I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

  Demetri Martin

  Together, Hermit Crabs, Hermits

  7 Copy quote

• Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.

  Demetri Martin

  Long, Timing, Cliche

  8 Copy quote

• Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.

  Demetri Martin

  Cookies, Rooms, Mystery

  4 Copy quote

• I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Flower, Humor

  283 Copy quote

• The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

  Demetri Martin

  Australia, Boomerang, Chiefs

  Demetri Martin (2011). “This Is a Book”, p.40, Hachette UK

  4 Copy quote

• And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

  Demetri Martin

  Morning, Track, Looking Forward

  "Demetri Martin On 'Taking Woodstock'". "All Things Considered" with Guy Raz, www.npr.org. August 15, 2009.

  7 Copy quote

• Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

  Demetri Martin

  Stupid, Trying, Bananas

  18 Copy quote

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