Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.
I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.
This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.
Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.
Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns
Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.
The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old
You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.
Mrs. Teasdale congratulates him on his coronation and sovereignty: "The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you." Firefly replies: "Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more."
You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?
If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa
A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.
The months before my son was born, I used to yell from night to morn, 'Whatever it is, I'm against it! No matter what it is or who commenced it, I'm against it!'
Room service? Send up a larger room.
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?
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