Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face
If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.
Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added
Women should be obscene, not heard.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
I love to read. My education is self-inflicted
The only real laughter comes from despair.
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
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