I can't give up Golf, I've got too many sweaters.
Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.
Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands
It's a wonderful world. It may destroy itself but you'll be able to watch it all on TV.
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.
Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.
The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it's obsolete."
Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.
Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.
I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.
Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.
I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.
The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
It's amazing how many people you see on TV. I did my first television show a month ago, and the next day five million television sets were sold. The people who couldn't sell theirs threw them away.
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