If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Laughter is an instant vacation.
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
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