Clive James Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• They had a... dog called Bluey. A know psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available.

  Clive James

  Funny, Dog, Psychopath

• When you cut it up, put the pieces in your mouth and swallowed them, the British hamburger shaped itself to the bottom on your stomach like ballast, while interacting with your gastric juices to form an incipient belch of enormous potential, an airship which had been inflated in a garage. This belch, when silently released, would cause people standing twenty yards away to start examining the soles of their shoes. The vocalized version sounded like a bag of tools thrown into a bog.

  Clive James

  Funny, Cutting, Shoes

  Clive James (1991). “Falling Towards England: (Unreliable Memoirs Continued)”, Isis Large Print Books

• Spending all my remaining money on a ticket to Florence was rendered needlessly complicated by the fact that none of the ticket-sellers had ever heard of the place. At last their supervisor showed up and set them straight by informing them that the city they had always referred to as 'Firenze' was in reality called Florence.

  Clive James

  Funny, Humorous, Italian

  Clive James (2009). “Falling Towards England”, p.106, Pan Macmillan

• In Italy, for the same price as a typical British hamburger meal including sweet, a builder's labourer could eat like a king - rather better in fact, because pasta dishes gain from being kept simple.

  Clive James

  Funny, Sweet, Kings

  Clive James (2012). “Always Unreliable: Memoirs”, p.308, Pan Macmillan

• Perhaps I should have pointed out more often that without her (mother's) guidance and example I might have gone straight from short pants to Long Bay Gaol, which in those days was still in use and heavily populated by larcenous young men who had chosen their parents less wisely.

  Clive James

  Funny, Mother, Humorous

  Clive James (2013). “The Complete Unreliable Memoirs”, p.150, Pan Macmillan

• Like most people who smoked umpteen cigarettes a day, I tasted only the first one. The succeeding umpteen minus one were a compulsive ritual which had no greater savour than the fumes of burning money.

  Clive James

  Funny, Humorous, People

  Clive James (2013). “The Complete Unreliable Memoirs”, p.292, Pan Macmillan

• Here was my first lesson on the resolutely maintained untidiness and ill-health of the English upper orders. In baggy evening dress and old before their time, they displayed gapped and tangled teeth in loosely open mouths. Gently shedding dandruff, they lurched across the lawn. When they stood at the bar they looked like Lee Trevino Putting.

  Clive James

  Funny, Humorous, Order

  Clive James (2013). “The Complete Unreliable Memoirs”, p.256, Pan Macmillan

• Dinner was meat - not hunks of meat, as in Australia, but pathetic scraps of meat, as in Britain - which the girls upstairs transformed into edible dishes by heating it in secret ways and adding bits of stuff to it.

  Clive James

  Funny, Girl, Humorous

  Clive James (2013). “The Complete Unreliable Memoirs”, p.286, Pan Macmillan

• In London there was no home cooking worthy of the name. When you were in funds you ate out. But only the people whose faces appeared in such publications as Town and Queen could afford to eat in restaurants serving food which would leave them looking and feeling better instead of worse.

  Clive James

  Funny, Queens, Humorous

  Clive James (2012). “Always Unreliable: Memoirs”, p.307, Pan Macmillan

• In recent years, perhaps encouraged by competition from McDonald's, the British hamburger has become a credit to the nation. At the time of which I speak, it looked like a scorched beer-coaster or a tenderized disc brake.

  Clive James

  Funny, Humorous, Beer

  Clive James (2012). “Always Unreliable: Memoirs”, p.307, Pan Macmillan

• When I finally embraced abstinence it was because of the simple urge to work a longer day. Thus, without joining Alcoholics Anonymous, I was at last able to leave Piss-Artists Notorious.

  Clive James

  Funny, Humorous, Drinking

  Clive James (2012). “Always Unreliable: Memoirs”, p.303, Pan Macmillan

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