Frank Carson Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Octopus

• An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Party, Humor

• Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

• What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Differences

• There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Two

• A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Frank Carson 1926-2012: His greatest one-liners" by Mayer Nissim, www.digitalspy.com. February 23, 2012.

• A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Girl, Humor

• Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Car

• There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Night

• I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Swimming

• I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Night

• This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, News

• A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

• I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Musician

• My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Father, War

• I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Shoes

• It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Divorce

• A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

• Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Airports

• I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Two

• A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

• A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

• An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Bars

• My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Use

• The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

  Frank Carson

  Funny, Humor, Men

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