Humorous Christmas Quotes

• Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day.

  Helen Steiner Rice

  Christmas, Xmas, Earth

  Ronald Pollitt, Helen Steiner Rice, Virginia Wiltse (1998). “Helen Steiner Rice - The Healing Touch: Poems, Letters and Life Stories”, Fleming H Revell Company

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• That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Christmas, People

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• Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.

  Norman Vincent Peale

  Love, Positive, Christmas

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• The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Christmas, Wise

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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  Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.

  Washington Irving

  Christmas, Thank You, Heart

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• The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.

  Bill Vaughan

  Inspirational, Family, Happy

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• The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

  Johnny Carson

  Birthday, Christmas, People

  "Late-Night TV Icon Johnny Carson Dies", abcnews.go.com. January 23, 2005.

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• Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Christmas, Money

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.136, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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• Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

  Dave Barry

  Christmas, Religious, Holiday

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• Bless us Lord, this Christmas, with quietness of mind; Teach us to be patient and always to be kind.

  Helen Steiner Rice

  Christmas, Xmas, Mind

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• The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others' burdens, easing other's loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas.

  William Carey Jones

  Christmas, Xmas, Heart

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• In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"

  Dave Barry

  Christmas, Christian, Atheist

  "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" by Dave Barry, www.davebarry.com.

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• Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?

  Tom Armstrong

  Funny, Christmas, Cities

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• Were it not for the shepherds, there would have been no reception. And were it not for a group of stargazers, there would have been no gifts.

  Max Lucado

  Christmas, Shepherds, Groups

  Max Lucado (2013). “God Came Near: God's Perfect Gift”, p.8, Thomas Nelson Inc

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• Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.

  Gary Allan

  Christmas, Journey, Naughty

  Song: Let's Be Naughty

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• Christmas is the day that holds all time together.

  Alexander Smith

  Christmas, Xmas, Holiday

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• Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

  Johnny Carson

  Funny, Christmas, Sarcastic

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• There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Christmas, Xmas

  P. J. O'Rourke (1983). “Modern manners”, Dell Books

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• Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

  Phyllis Diller

  Christmas, Xmas, Past

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• I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

  Shirley Temple

  Funny, Christmas, Mother

  Quoted in Leslie Halliwell, Halliwell's Filmgoer's Companion (1984)

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• Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

  Publilius Syrus

  Funny Christmas, Women, Believe

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• I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

  Charles Dickens

  Love, Christmas, Education

  A Christmas Carol stave 4 (1843)

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• What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Christmas, Jobs, Xmas

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• At Christmas play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.

  Thomas Tusser

  Christmas, Xmas, Cheer

  Five Hundred Pointes of Good Husbandrie (1580)

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• A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

  Garrison Keillor

  Love, Funny, Christmas

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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