How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
You can't cheat an honest man.
A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
I like children. If they're properly cooked.
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
I drink therefore I am.
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.
Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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