Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!
The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.
We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
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