Tim Vine Quotes

Quotes about:

• So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

  Tim Vine

  Ducks, Chinese, Red

  19 Copy quote

• Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

  Tim Vine

  Couple, Blow, Tricks

  20 Copy quote

• I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

  Tim Vine

  Olympics, Sun, Tanning

  "Edinburgh fringe's 10 funniest jokes revealed" by Mark Brown, www.theguardian.com. August 21, 2012.

  15 Copy quote

• Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

  Tim Vine

  Dust, Collecting, Hoover

  "Tim Vine's Hoover joke has been voted the funniest. Can you do better?" by Stephen Moss, www.theguardian.com. August 19, 2014.

  52 Copy quote

• My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  15 Copy quote

• Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

  Tim Vine

  Eye, Site, Sore Eyes

  "Tim Vine's one-liners - what is his best joke? - poll" by Mayer Nissim, www.digitalspy.com. February 10, 2012.

  15 Copy quote

• One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

  Tim Vine

  Dishes, Butlers

  Twitter post from Mar 08, 2017

  7 Copy quote

• I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

  Tim Vine

  Book, Reading, Glue

  23 Copy quote

• I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

  Tim Vine

  Holiday, Once In A Lifetime, Lifetime

  "Jeremy and Tim Vine - the unlikeliest double-act around". The Saga Magazine Interview, www.saga.co.uk. July, 2012.

  9 Copy quote

• So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Games

  13 Copy quote

• Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Brother, Dad

  25 Copy quote

• I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Clubs

  6 Copy quote

• Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

  Tim Vine

  Car, Different, Levels

  20 Copy quote

• So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Tuesday

  20 Copy quote

• Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Believe, Humor

  11 Copy quote

• So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Giving

  11 Copy quote

• I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

  Tim Vine

  Metaphor, Simile, Knows

  25 Copy quote

• Velcro: what a rip-off.

  Tim Vine

  Rip, Velcro

  Twitter post from Mar 26, 2017

  72 Copy quote

• When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Home

  5 Copy quote

• The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Pieces

  7 Copy quote

• I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Blokes

  5 Copy quote

• So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Stars, Humor

  13 Copy quote

• I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

  Tim Vine

  House, Firsts, Chimneys

  "Tim Vine wins Dave award for funniest joke of Edinburgh fringe festival" by Hannah Ellis-Petersen, www.theguardian.com. August 18, 2014.

  5 Copy quote

• I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Trying

  58 Copy quote

• So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Names

  7 Copy quote

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