I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
Humor is the best means of surviving in a difficult world.
Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.
The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.
God in His wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why.
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
Some primal termite knocked on wood. And tasted it, and found it good. And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today.
Wind is caused by the trees waving their branches.
No, you never get any fun Out of the things you haven't done.
Here's a good rule of thumb; too clever is dumb.
Among other things I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit. So here we are several billion of us, crowded into our global concentration camp for the duration. How are we to survive? Solemnity is not the answer, any more than witless and irresponsible frivolity is. I think our best chance lies in humor, which in this case means a wry acceptance of our predicament. We don't have to like it but we can at least recognize its ridiculous aspects, one of which is ourselves.
One thing about the past. It's likely to last.
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
Too much Chablis can make you whablis.
Indeed, everybody wants to be a wow, But not everybody knows exactly how.
I believe that people believe what they believe they believe.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
The truth I do not stretch or shove When I state the dog is full of love. I've also proved, by actual test, A wet dog is the lovingest.
So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat Over everything debatable and combatable Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life Particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.
There has been a lot of progress during my lifetime, but I'm afraid it's heading in the wrong direction.
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