I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
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