I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .
I lost a button hole.
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Do fish get cramps after eating?
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
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