How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
always remember your unique, just like everone else
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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