Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.
Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify.
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.
Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy, an officer sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign's hostility.
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
INADMISSIBLE- Not competent to be considered. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible ... but there is no religion in the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence.
Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.
Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore- Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second. This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.
Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.
Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne.
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