Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.
I can still chase women, only downhill
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.
I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.
I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.
Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation
Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for.
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.
America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.
Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy said the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days - whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn.
I'm from Los Angeles... I don't trust any air I can't see.
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