Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.
You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!
I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.
self-pity is better than none.
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