Half the people you know are below average.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The speed of time is one second per second.
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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