I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.
Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.
What do batteries run on?
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: