If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.
Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.
Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.
When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.
If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.
I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.
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