I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
What a nice night for an evening.
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: