Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.
NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
BRANDY, n. A cordial composed on one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan.
Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.
A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else.
Responsibility, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
Fidelity - a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
diplomacy, n.: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
To the eye of failure success is an accident.
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
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