When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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