Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.
When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong! And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!
If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
If it doesn't have siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.
I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God.
Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
The strong must protect the sweet.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way.
Art is what separates us from the animals.
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman!
When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
Pffft, English. Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
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