I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
There must be more to life than having everything.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Life is a zoo in a jungle.
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Adventure is nothing but a romantic name for trouble.
Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
Life is just a bowl of cherries, don't take it serious, its mysterious. Life is just a bowl of cherries, so live and laugh and laugh at love, love a laugh, laugh and love.
I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly. So I enjoy life.
Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.
There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
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