I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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