I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."
I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'
There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."
A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.
A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"
So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"
I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."
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