Everybody should care about facts. That is something all of us should agree on.
I care about facts the way I care about oxygen and imbibing enough water a day to live.
By any rational metric, I am boring.
When I heard that Hitler had problems with flatulence, it's funny. What - does that make him a funny man? No. It means he had funny moments when his rear end was speaking louder than his mouth.
Teenagers falling off skateboards - funny. Nut shots - funny. Breaking wind - funny. The world cannot change those. Those three things are columns upon which humor is built.
When you see people say crazy things on our show, they mean this stuff,and that's easy to forget: They're not joking.
I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.
I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.
I think I'm just a summer fling that people will soon forget.
I guess the tone of jokes is often, at best, irreverent, but it always comes from a place of deep love.
I don't think I'm identified as the anchorman, I think I'm identified as the impostor anchorman - there's a very clear line there ... I don't think it changes the way they respond.
People, I guess, generally come to see me do stand-up with a working knowledge of my broad sense of humor on The Daily Show ... I don't think anyone would mistake me as an actual anchor.
I was definitely prepared for it to be slower, and it has not worked out that way in any shape or form. I'm grateful as a comedian, and slightly demoralized, occasionally, as a human being - those two things are always very different.
You're sonically racist, Americans. You think we all sound the same, whereas I have definitely a mongrel accent.
I'm British. I don't really have access to my emotions on a daily basis.
I don't know if there is some psychological thing of wanting to know where your doctor got his degree from before he comes into the medical room.
I think being an outsider in general always helps you in comedy. I think it helps to have an outsider's eye. And so I have an outsider's voice. You know, as soon as I start talking, I don't belong here. And I think that helps in a way.
When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.
Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: